A day in AIDS hospital

They’re coming in…pouring in
Walking up and down
Some happy, laughing and smiling
Some in pain,but trying so hard to present happy faces
Some wrtitten sorrow all over their faces
Others written regret on their apprerances
They share their stories
Convencing one another with realities of living with dreadful, monsterss and painful disease is all the talk you keep hearing around the room.
Some are brought by their loved ones,they can barely walk
Others are on wheelchairs,death is all keep straring from their eyes

The queues ara so long, we’ve been here since the early morning
BUT,because a chance to a better life is all we’re waiting for
What else is there to do?
What else is there to achieve?
Others look frightned and scarered
As for the one next to me…I salute her
She’s positively promoting to others how she lives and mantains a normal life with her smoking and boozing as if nothing’s wrong.
“Its true-nothing’s wrong,its only that she’s infected” afterall she has to live a normal life just like any other normal living being in the world.FUCK! the status! and the HIvirus ,she must be crazy!

Some you can tell just by viewing and looking at them that-Gone are those days!
Whilst, others its like “I’m a size 32 but today I’ borrowed my brother’s/sister’s size 40 pans or T’s
OH! Shameless and mercyless is this HIV/AIDS

Its been 5, 10, 13, 20…..years
You hear others installing hope to the already hopeless
How terrifying but hearing them share eases the pains to others
Others have brought their babies and children whom are also sick
and you turn to ask yourself,Where did this AIDS come from?

There are various and different smells all over the room
Its smells terrible and making one feel like vomiting
Is it the smell of pills? different crowds of sick people? or is it the filthy smell of HIV itself?
“My mother use to warn me about running around with different men BUT I never listened and now I know I’m going to die and I deserve it” this one keeps going on.
Some of these people are in chains-maybe-emotionaly but not physicaly “I mean”
They are being brought here by the prison warders
What a shame and pity!
Some we know each other from the township as neighbours
BUT, because we’ve bumped into each other in this place
There are no friendly and neighbourly greetings as usual.
They seem ashamed and embarased
Shit! this AIDS is one thing capable of causing unnecessary hate!

With all thats happening around
I wonder…
Where am I going to end?
When is my turn?
When is the virus going to take over my fighting and willing body?
When will it all go away?
BECAUSE….
As strong as I can be
It is within this solid and concrete body of mine.
And slowly but surely
I WILL GET USED TO THIS
AIDS HOSPITAL!!!

4 comments November 13, 2006

“Im taking over the world”

Oh! What an honour it feels
What an achievement it is
It has never happened before
Someone realised something in me
It is so amazing,it makes want to pump up more energy
It says to me “Go on , drink those ARV’s no matter what pains  they cause to your body-you still have a lot to achieve”
First time doing something that has a meaning
At home- they stare, confused, they look
Why is she excited?its just a piece of paper with pictures she took
It was never easy at first, being who I am
It has been a short space of time but the fruits are beyond imaginable for me
I am a photographer- I keep telling myself
One day, just one day the name will be written on the
Star Newspaper, picture by-“Busisiwe Sigasa”
This is a beginning of it , the beginning of greater things to come.
Good things comes to those who wait
I have waited for so long and this is my calling,my chance
It feels so good
Cant wait to see her and show her what I just received today
From now on its working forward and no stopping
I can still do more ! Its all up to me
Im taking over the world !!!!

8 comments November 3, 2006

Dedicated

She deserves an award
She deserves my love
To be treated like a lady that she is
To be approached with dignity and honour
To be placed in a throne of a queen that she is
To be respected as a lioness who is always on guard naturing my her family,
simply because she natures my heart
She brings out the best in me
She makes my days whether sad or happy
She’s my therapy of love,laughter and strenght
She deserves my love

She makes me grow everyday, hour, minute….and seconds
She is the best
They can try but will never succeed
She and I were meant to be
Her voice puts life into my face
Her smile remain shining even when she’s not around
Fuck! She’s my baby!
My woman, my empress, thee queen!
She is the best and she all from me
Damn!!! I really love her

Endless nights of passionate love making
With sounds only the two of us are able to create
It is mutual and natural
She was created for the woman I am
She was created for me
She is the best

Like the sounds of Mzumbe slowly beaten from the best drums of Jembe
In one accord they are being played
“Music is the food of the soul they say”
But for my soul, you are the music
For my heart you are the beat
You have captured my heart and my thoughts
You deserve an award
You deserve my love!

Add a comment October 25, 2006

another day facing that day!

The smell of hate never goes away. The thought of betrayal stays and remains within my thoughts,sights,senses and deep within my soul and spirit. It has made think and feel I’m mad. It sometimes hits me like i’m worth nothing. I had never talked about it nor told anyone of it. That is why I eventualy felt the need sharing what’s been haunting my soul and causing me so much restlessness in my heart. It has made me develop a sense of vomit each time someone lights up a cigarette or smoke in front of me.But, because South-Africa is a free and democratical country, who am I to judge or stop these filthy smelling smokes?

Such experiences never go away. The haunt you till GOD knows when. They are  sometimes brought back to your head by the enviroment, your sorroundings and unthoughtful people. I have never expected people to sympathise BUT for them to understand. I have always been the type to keep quite no matter how emotionaly wounded I am.

Rape is never an easy stress or ordeal to deal with, thats said over and over again.I mean-I also know and have preached about my incidents to an extent that people get tired of hearing my same old stories.reality is-it has’nt happened to me only and still life goes on.I have to swallow it like it or not.

You see, some of the things are better kept inside but if comes that day.They struck, they struck like a hot coal burning inside and they change your whole perception about life,people,love,friends,trust and you would  opt to remain alone and Fuck the world! its all that your state of mind keep enforcing to you,your state of being and living. Telling such stories or talking of it is traumatising and tormenting enough.

Today something happened, I had never thought I will like this. I had never thought it would be so hurting, Shit! I had never thought about it at all.I never thought I’l see him on top of me again just by looking at him. I have cried enough and figured I was over and pass that stage.BUT today I saw him.

This place is full of people, I want to hide my fear but I sense everyone can see right through me. I have never felt so empty and alone. I dont have wings to fly away to disappear from this place.There are terrible smells, my skin is smelling of dirt. I’m smelling of him. I sent various people a number of call me’s hoping they’l call and atleast I can talk to someone and explain to them what had just happened.

He smiled at me. He greeted me as if there’s nothing wrong wrong. BUT I can see right through his eyes that he’s happy. He did it, he raped me, my soul and my being. He’s  got AIDS. He’s looking like he’s about to die anytime soon from now. I have HIV and its because of him and his dirty deed. I hate him. I hate his look and I hate AIDS. 

I wish I had power but I only have fear and I hate that fear. If I only I could, I’l punch while pinning holes in his face.I curse him, his parents and his HIV. I wish and curse death on him. I hate the fears and sleepness night’s he’s causing an inflected to my soul and being.it was that day it took place. BUT cause writing is my GOD given doctor and healer I would go on, i mean that was then and this is now.

He raped me, he forced himself on me. I begged him to stop  but he continued.he hurt me then and he’s hurting me now. I shouted but no one listened. I fought with him but he did it anyway.after he was done he smiled and said “so, what was so hard,you aer a woman and you needed to be reminded”. I had asked and begged him to atleast use a condom but he insulted and went on beating me. “He was going to show me he” said I am a bitch and fucking other women is not going to change that. Only God will rescue me! I kept praying. and he did but is he going to rescue me from all this trauma of endless nightmares and HIV?                                 

1 comment October 25, 2006

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