another day facing that day!
October 25, 2006
The smell of hate never goes away. The thought of betrayal stays and remains within my thoughts,sights,senses and deep within my soul and spirit. It has made think and feel I’m mad. It sometimes hits me like i’m worth nothing. I had never talked about it nor told anyone of it. That is why I eventualy felt the need sharing what’s been haunting my soul and causing me so much restlessness in my heart. It has made me develop a sense of vomit each time someone lights up a cigarette or smoke in front of me.But, because South-Africa is a free and democratical country, who am I to judge or stop these filthy smelling smokes?
Such experiences never go away. The haunt you till GOD knows when. They are sometimes brought back to your head by the enviroment, your sorroundings and unthoughtful people. I have never expected people to sympathise BUT for them to understand. I have always been the type to keep quite no matter how emotionaly wounded I am.
Rape is never an easy stress or ordeal to deal with, thats said over and over again.I mean-I also know and have preached about my incidents to an extent that people get tired of hearing my same old stories.reality is-it has’nt happened to me only and still life goes on.I have to swallow it like it or not.
You see, some of the things are better kept inside but if comes that day.They struck, they struck like a hot coal burning inside and they change your whole perception about life,people,love,friends,trust and you would opt to remain alone and Fuck the world! its all that your state of mind keep enforcing to you,your state of being and living. Telling such stories or talking of it is traumatising and tormenting enough.
Today something happened, I had never thought I will like this. I had never thought it would be so hurting, Shit! I had never thought about it at all.I never thought I’l see him on top of me again just by looking at him. I have cried enough and figured I was over and pass that stage.BUT today I saw him.
This place is full of people, I want to hide my fear but I sense everyone can see right through me. I have never felt so empty and alone. I dont have wings to fly away to disappear from this place.There are terrible smells, my skin is smelling of dirt. I’m smelling of him. I sent various people a number of call me’s hoping they’l call and atleast I can talk to someone and explain to them what had just happened.
He smiled at me. He greeted me as if there’s nothing wrong wrong. BUT I can see right through his eyes that he’s happy. He did it, he raped me, my soul and my being. He’s got AIDS. He’s looking like he’s about to die anytime soon from now. I have HIV and its because of him and his dirty deed. I hate him. I hate his look and I hate AIDS.
I wish I had power but I only have fear and I hate that fear. If I only I could, I’l punch while pinning holes in his face.I curse him, his parents and his HIV. I wish and curse death on him. I hate the fears and sleepness night’s he’s causing an inflected to my soul and being.it was that day it took place. BUT cause writing is my GOD given doctor and healer I would go on, i mean that was then and this is now.
He raped me, he forced himself on me. I begged him to stop but he continued.he hurt me then and he’s hurting me now. I shouted but no one listened. I fought with him but he did it anyway.after he was done he smiled and said “so, what was so hard,you aer a woman and you needed to be reminded”. I had asked and begged him to atleast use a condom but he insulted and went on beating me. “He was going to show me he” said I am a bitch and fucking other women is not going to change that. Only God will rescue me! I kept praying. and he did but is he going to rescue me from all this trauma of endless nightmares and HIV?